Words

SAWC - Week 2

6/18/2014

This week's song is about the struggle of having friends and a smartphone. Its a hard thing to balance. Do you play another game of candy crush on the train or do you save your battery? You play that game and ignore the texts your "so called friends" sent. I am 100 percent kidding, you should never choose an app over a friend but I bet you have. I know I do it all the time. Tetris is just so addicting and i hate waiting the extra 3 seconds it takes to reload the game after pausing. What a struggle! Honestly this song is a big joke and the point is to make us realize how attached we are to our phones. I also get that it sounds a little like walking in Memphis/walking on broken glass but its catchy... so don't be too upset. Enjoy!
-cynical sugar

What Happens When a Smartphone Dies?
An Original Comedy Song

SAWC - Week 1

6/11/2014

I have challenged myself to write a new comedy song, parody or put a twist on a current song once a week for a year. The videos will be up every Sunday on my youtube & I will write about the ditties here every Wednesday!
Over the past 5 years I've had over 20 different roommates (not counting my 6 siblings) so I move a lot and frankly when you move that much friends will dodge your calls for help so this is a tribute to the lovely ethnic people who help nomads, like me, move from apartment to apartment. I really should just get rid of some of the shit, it'd probably save me a lot of money.
-cynical sugar

You Moved Me
Parody of John Legend's All of Me

COMING SOON!

6/3/2014

I have taken enough breaks, its time to come back and write again! So to add some life to this website I'm going to attempt the Song a Week Challenge. It will be 52 weeks of parodies and originals comedy music I will of course release here and on my youtube! I will release the new song every Sunday so I'll be back soon!

Stupid People Tuesday - What Success Means To Me

3/4/2014

As a typical 23 year old, there are many things I have achieved. I graduated highschool AND college... I know its weird. I know how to both read a book and convince you I know everything in a book I didn’t read. I can play useless instruments. I can drive a car and change a flat. I can cook but choose to eat candy. Yes, I am a typical 23 year old girl. I have met a couple of my idols and given advice I do not follow. To me, truly being successful means never being satisfied. If I was satisfied with a high school diploma, I’d probably be knocked up with child number 5 all because my husband never learned how to pull out. If I was satisfied with my college diploma, I’d be working a desk job or worst sales and hating myself more than I do when I say a shitty pun. If I was satisfied with just driving a car, I’d be the hottest taxi cabby in the city. I’m not saying I’m super attractive, I’m just saying I can give most of the ethnic cabbies a run for their money. Yes, I have had ugly cabbies - that is the Chicago norm. If I was satisfied with my cooking I would probably save a lot of money... maybe that is less of a satisfaction and more of an inspiration to stop being lazy. I hope that one day I am successful but I know I will never be satisfied. I will constantly be reaching for the next great thing whether it is creating art I believe in or inspiring positive change.

I know I’m standing pretty tall on my soap box today but the most important person your words can inspire is you.
Believe in you and we will too.
-cynical sugar

Stupid People Tuesdays - Coffee

2/25/2014

Hello again!

Let me start off by saying this time away from you all has been terrible and I wish that I didn’t have such a hectic life to keep up with but I’m back and ready to tell you my cynically sweet life observations. What better way to start off my return than talking about my one true love (other than candy) COFFEE!

What is there not to like about the gorgeous supple grounded beans? Everyone knows that coffee comes from beans - I won’t insult your intelligence by stating the obvious... oh wait. Either way because of earth’s precious gem, coffee should be considered as great as V8 for its vegetable like and health qualities.

1) My enemies do not have bruises from personal violence because I have the restraint due to my caffeine high.
2) Coffee prevents caffeine headaches - no explanation needed because it is saintly.
3) Its an anti-depressant! Because on days I don’t drink a pot, I am the saddest woman known to mankind.

Coffee is great, but I must warn friends of the orange pot, that poser known as decaf is an abomination to us all.
Do not fall for its trickery because within an hour you will realize that the magic is a LIE!

Candy everyday, keeps the bitch away.
-cynical sugar

Stupid People Tuesday - Romantic Comedies

10/29/2013

In honor of Halloween, I want to talk about the scariest of scary things I know, Romantic Comedies and the most terrifying of these horror flicks is Love Actually. Are you familiar? The scene is set in the dead of winter around Christmas - gross. Tis the season of giving... seasonal depression. My bank account cries in anticipation for this gift crazed holiday. Holidays seem to be the source of plot in most Romantic Comedies and that’s probably why I hate them. They are unrealistic. I can believe the talking cartoon dinosaurs of The Land Before Time exist more than “twue wove.” That’s because of the friend zone. I hate that you’ve invested so much time, but if you are in fact in the friend zone, you will never move out. There is not magical fairy or genie that will make you pretty or rich to make your best friend forget that if she kisses it’ll be like laying a wet one on her brother. Even though I hate Romantic Comedies, I have to admit that I am drawn to this guilty pleasure. This is because I know underneath all that lovey-dovey hype, if Ryan Gosling knew me I’d never be alone.

Love is like jaw breakers, it sucks when you have one and even more when you lose one.
-cynical sugar

Stupid People Tuesday - I'm Back

10/22/2013

Loyal readers, I am sorry for the hiatus but I got a new job and apparently I was too stressed out to attempt to write humor for you. BUT I”M BACK. Oh where is my new job you ask? The one and only Shedd Aquarium... I go to work and often wonder how I was hired. I’m nothing special but this employment does pay the bills so there’s that - but before I granted the award of smelling like fish every day (an award of which I know you are super jealous) I had to have a group interview. Of course they asked, why did you apply to Shedd and guys I had to think of something quick. Everyone went before me and mentioned how they loved the aquarium and that interview was the first time I stepped foot into the building. So I had to be fast and I win a stupid award because this was my response: “Uh... I just love your building its so beautiful inside and out... and I’m deathly afraid of all animals so I’m glad I will never have to touch them and that they are all behind thick glass.” Apparently, it worked or the Shedd was desperate but I’m going with the belief that my beauty and impeccable speech delivery were the must haves for them. Now, its been two weeks and I want to inform you of the my favorite stupid question asked at the Shedd.

Where are the Polar Bears? Do you know how hard it is to give a non-sarcastic response? Uh, I don’t know if you find them will you let me know? I believe the polar bears are at brookfield zoo. Or we have POLAR BEARS? We are a strange aquarium with monkeys, penguins and anaconda but we do not have polar bears. People are so weird, and illiterate. Its an aquarium... either way that’s my update for you I should be back to normal now.

Normal does not exist, so I guess I’m just back.
-cynical sugar

Cynical Sunday - Obama-care Reaction

10/6/2013

With the recent government shutdown, social media has expressed their political opinions. People of twitter and facebook alike, are stating why they think we should or should not pass Obama-care. Fox News, a very reliable news source, recently posted an article stating 5 reasons why Americans love Obama-care. And as a stunning member of the lower class, I want to rebuttal the asshole who doesn’t see why this does more harm than good. Statement one: over 47 million people were uninsured in 2012. Statement two: not having insurance is a serious financial issue, it is not a fashion fad. I have not had insurance for about a year, I am 22 and my parents do not have health insurance.
ACA allows young Americans to stay on their parents’ insurance plans. This is insignificant, I am not stating that if I were given the opportunity to have health insurance I wouldn’t take. Because this is great if your parents already have health care, but I’m what the tax bracket likes to label as “independent” and my current parents health care is dreams and prayers... and no, not many doctors take my bullshit health care, but they do take my cash.
ACA bans insurance companies from denying coverage for pre-existing conditions. This is good however it says deny coverage. It doesn’t state that individuals won’t have to pay more.
ACA offers tax credits to small businesses to buy insurance. This is stupid because no matter how large of a tax credit, small companies save more money not providing health care.
ACA requires companies with more than 50 employees to provide health insurance. The cost of living is high. Most companies with over 50 employees label their workers at part-time concluding that health insurance is not an issue.
ACA provides subsidies to help individuals afford coverage. This one angers me the most. No matter what your profession is or who you are, if you currently do not have health insurance and do not pay for health insurance providing subsidies to “afford coverage” will always be more than FREE.

America may be the land of freedom, but soon we will be forced to have health care and penalized for not having it. I do not need another bill to add to my stack. Insurance is mainly a scam in general. You buy protection in case something happens later. Let say you pay monthly, and nothing bad happens to you for 3 years-so no need for hospital visits. You basically paid for nothing. Also, I stated hospital visits because its very rare to see a health care provide dental or vision. Personally I think vision is one of the most important. If you neglect your vision you might make a mistake a work or roll through a stop sign because you didn’t see the cop and have to pay another ticket. What I’m saying is that you can never win, but when you argue for bill perhaps looking at the bill from a different perspective. What is good for the upper middle class is often never good for the lower income families. Yes even though I am a party of one, I consider myself a lower income family.

Also, government go back to work. It was breaking news that you passed the bill to make sure you were paid during the shutdown. When all of the world knew that you’d save your ass. Real people are fired if they don’t go to work for a week. Real people also do not get paid for being stubborn. If that was true I’d be as rich as our politicians.

-cynical sugar

Stupid People Tuesdays - Pedestrians

10/1/2013

Ped... Peda.. Pedadestari... PROTESTANTS! Wait, that’s wrong. If you still have 2 legs, hardest thing about walking is pronouncing the word that describes who you are. As an elite driver, I hate all things that are not in a car and often I hate things in a car too. I have massive road rage. Although, its not my fault that everyone sucks at transportation. Let me tell you a secret, I’ve walked before. I’m not a tree hugging hippie, but I once walked to a final destination. And this is the story of why I drive now.I was walking to the wonderful establishment once labeled as CVS. I was happy, eager and looked beautiful. (After my trip to the mighty CVS, I was going to attend work... however there is never a time where ugliness is a concern.) Anyways, as I glided and skipped and froliced through the streets of Chicago I had no care in the world. Until, I heard a sweet hum in the distance. It reminded me of my childhood and small town parades. That sweet hum was an ambulance’s siren. Ohhhhh noooooo! I was just starting to cross the street, like all idiotic pedestrians! What was I supposed to do? I found myself half way across division street when that sweet humming siren wanted to turn onto the street I was crossing. What is the protocol for this feat I encountered?

I still don’t know but I can tell you what I did. I decided that the appropriate response was to stop in the middle of the road, wink and wave to the sexy ambulance driver, as I yell in the sweetest voice: “Thanks for not killing me!” So moral of the story is that I found the man I am going to marry, too bad I will never see him again. Missed connections aren’t for everyone I guess. Also, I still hate you all that feel the need to grace my beloved transportation routes.

All of my family are such fly walkers, my granny uses a candy cane!
-cynical sugar

Cynical Sunday - You're Engaged? What a Drag...

9/29/2013

I don’t want to get married because I want to keep a dream or 2 alive. Honestly, getting married is the furthest thing from my mind but every time I see a new facebook posting about another ugly person that is engaged... I find myself drowning in chocolate wrappers and buckets of confused tears. Like WHY?! HOW?! and AM I REALLY LESS DESIRED THAN HER?! And now you know that my inner monologue is a cold hard bitch... awkward. This depression used to happen around major holidays, because most men that want to get married prefer to kill 2 birds with one stone. For instance, take our beloved Christmas holiday. Instead of getting you something you’d actually want like a Wii or an ipad, instead “Mr. Right” gave you himself... for... forever!!!!!! And I heard that it is frowned upon to return this gift (or regift maybe that would be positive adultery?)... well at least in my Catholic Culture. Therefore, I will not get married. However, this manic depression has grown darker thanks to our liberal ass politicians who are making gay marriage a thing. Do get me wrong, I LOVE THE GAYS!!!! Although, my fragile heart can’t take it. So I think that if you get engaged you should keep it to yourself or delete facebook because engagement is joke you should really only share with your grandma. Besides facebook is really only for stalking Exes and potential new exes... your happiness does not belong in my news feed.

Mi corazon es negro y frio porque tu.
-cynical sugar