Happy Easter er'body! Easter is basically the most EPIC game of hide-and-seek. Every nanny loves hide-and-seek and I can tell you that I never look for the kids until they start getting bored. I've only temporarily misplaced a child once, and after that day we only played that game in house. Easter started with a boy that hid for 3 days scaring the shit out of his mom. Maybe if his mother only counted to 9 she could have prevented losing the child. Luckily JC dawg, returned from a nonliving sabbatical and prevented the mom's trip to social services or jail.
Although, it is a weird tradition. A bunny, let's call him Peter Cottontail, steals chicken eggs, dyes the eggs and finally hides them in your backyard. If you are lucky you will find all the eggs. Maybe you'll win a prize or be left with 45 inedible hard boiled bedazzled eggs. If you are unlucky, you will not be able to play with your neighborhood friends for a couple months because the smell of sulfur is potent 5 miles away. And it smells worse then when the local factory releases its nasty toxic gases. In my hometown we have Del Monte foods and the smell was so thick I can still taste it. And all this pain is all a result of your inability to play hide-and-seek. You will have no friends because you cannot find 4 or 5 of the eggs. If the Easter Bunny loves you, hopefully he upgraded to the plastic eggs that behold money or candy. I don't mean to brag, but the bunny loved my chubby cheeks. I never had to experience the horrid hardboiled tradition.
Jelly Beans & Hide-and-Seek Dreams.
Baby you are like a craft beer, 'Cuz you are one of a kind.
Baby don't worry I'm a dentist, I know how to pull out.
Baby when I'm with you it's like I'm on adderrall? 'Cuz you grab all my attention.
Baby are you an energy drink? 'Cuz you keep me up all night long.
Baby are you Mormon? 'Cuz I'll be your missionary tonight.
Baby are you a personal trainer? 'Cuz I'll pay you for an hour of pain three times a week.
Baby are you a smartphone? 'Cuz I bet you can do everything.
Baby did you know I am a corporate man? 'Cuz I am stocked full with benefits.
Baby Pixar should make its next movie about you, and call it Up 2: every man's wet dream.
Baby when I'm with you its like global warming, 'Cuz when I leave it feels like the arctic tundra - cold and dead.
“Like.” Gross, I hate the word like. I cannot talk about stupid people without bringing up some of my flaws. (I am not perfect... yet) I hate that some people, including me, become excited and over uses this simple four letter word. Why is it so hard to have a pause in a sentence? Maybe, I have a fear of silence and my inability to produce a word results in the word like... nah sometimes I’m just tired and dumb. I have a knack of using “like” to substitute the phrase “and then she said.” So when telling a story, I start elegantly mentioning the protagonist and antagonist in all their glory. But as I begin to become heated with rage, I start referring to the dialect subjects as: then she was like “merp da-merp da-merp” and I was like “no, merp-da merp-da merp.” Ahhhhhhh, a friend of mine had me listen to myself and I shrieked with utter pain for I had become... a Valley Girl. As a single tear graced my cheek, I knew I had to change. So in honor of the Valley, I am moving out. Occasionally, I visit and have to remind myself that I sound uneducated with a minute vocabulary. However, this much needed distance has done me well. I now sound like a 22 year old who is graduating college in 2 months.
Most college students think they are the smartest people in the world. Some claim they know more than their tenured professors. I feel really bad for those individuals because at a discount university they pay at least $15,000 per year and their condescending intelligence forgets that student loans are more than a chique fad. Clearly, spending $15,000 is a waste of time for those geniuses and they need to be reminded that because they know everything they should quit school, keep closed minds and start working at a law firm. There is obviously nothing one could teach these super smart people.
Trust no one but yourself. No one knows what is best for you other than you... besides maybe a doctor. But what do they really know besides how to accumulate debt? We pay doctors to know how to fix us. However, even doctors struggle when diagnosing the problems of an individual. Some people are just stupid, and that can't be fixed. You know which music inspires your mood and which inspires your suicide. For me, the suicidal soundtrack is country. I hate the depression, the agony, the steal guitar and the 50 songs dedicated to tractors. I have worked at a twangy steak joint the past two years, and it is a surprise that I awake without a musical hangover. A musical hangover is similar to the kind you get freshman year when you drank $5.00 handles of vodka - where the burns stays forever.
Sometimes I have to look at stupid people as a daily joke book. As a server I am asked the most ridiculous questions.
Love does not exist and my twitter has many reasons if you chose to argue this statement. You can claim anything has love and I’ll prove that it is a hallucination that you have decided to believe. Tweet me your claims of love and I will respond to every tweet.