This weekend I went home for one of my younger brother’s birthday party.
He is turning 13 and officially taller than me.  If you don’t know me well, let
me fill you in on a few details.  I live in a big family - 1 of 7 kids - with a wide variety of ages.  We are all fully related with mutual love for the Chicago Cubs
and all things awesome.  Anyway, when I pulled up into the driveway, I 
noticed all the lights were out.  It was a little odd, since it was 7:30 PM but I
went along with it.  As I entered the house, I over heard that it was story
time.  Which basically meant that the older siblings told the younger ones about all the mistakes we made growing up, and it’s scary to admit how much fire was involved.  When it became my turn to tell a story of course I told the one about crayons (see post “Crayola vs Roseart”), but I also decided to tell the tragic story of Barbie.  

As a kid I loved playing barbies but what I loved more was convincing my younger brother - who now is a brally west point cadet - to play barbies.  We had some demented plot lines to the game but my favorite was hairstyles. Like every other girl in the 90s, we decided to add tips and highlights to barbies hair with purple crayola markers.  Barbie came out punk chic. Anyway, one day we took scissors to add to the quality of hair.  And one barbie... we had no choice... we had to do it.  Guys, we cut off all her hair. 
It wasn’t our fault because barbie had cancer and was going through kemo. 
I said the plot lines were demented.  Anyways that’s not the worst part.  I have to let you all know that barbie didn’t make it.  When my mom found out, she THREW HER IN THE TRASH!  And ever since then, I knew the only way to release this pain and anger was to write and perform.

Life is simple, pretend is complex.
 -cynical sugar

To cheat or to dump: is that really a question?  Why do people stay together when they know their significant other cheated?  Its a weird stupid confidence to assume they won’t cheat again.  I’m sure you are a beautiful with a wonderful personality but there’s a reason why someone cheated on you, and you deserve to be with someone who won't.  I choose to believe that if I am cheated on, it is because they are too insecure with themselves to respect the awesomest thing they have going in their lives... me.  I used plurality, not because I have or will be cheated on multiple times, but because I’m a heartbreaker.  It comes with the territory.  Seriously, when the almighty heartbreaking Queen BB (short for blue balls) divided her kingdom, she bestowed on me this land so I can’t back down now.  She depends on me to fill the void in the lives of the peasants as an emotional tease and once they are trapped by a burning love.  I move on to the next village... its kinda like priests in the Catholic church.  You know they can’t stay in one place for too long for fear the congregation might become too comfortable?  In all honestly, this heartbreaking thing is to prevent me from falling into traps. 

I can barely commit to candy and I LOVE CANDY so commitment to a man?  Yeah, that's highly doubtful. But unlike the hairy - all cheaters are hairy - gross, insecure people who cheat, I do not cheat because I respect myself enough to not even get into relationships - I barely make it to the second date.

Its not slutty, its lonely but I’m pretty cool so I can handle alone.
-cynical sugar

I have written many songs with many different versions, sometimes the funniest songs humor are a result of how shitty the lyrics once were.  The one below is one of those lovely sets of lyrics.  Its a rap enjoy:

Nerds (2012)

CHORUS
I’m so nerdy, nerds ask me to do their hw,
I’m so nerdy, a nerd looks like a total noob
I’m so nerdy that you wish that you could be me -
when I’m making lots of money and I’m really famous too.

V1
Bill gates has nothing on me I do macs and pcs,
and martha stewart want to meet me cuz I cook through stock trading,
and meg whitman thinks she’s cool running ebay like a boss -
but I don’t need to go to school to know that amazon rocks.
Football is a sport with lots of Foreign men,
you know I did my research checking out ESPN,
well it wasn’t that “American” station,
it was more like history or BBC nation... cuz
--I no longer play chess cuz its just merely a game,
and I win every time so LAUREN should be its name,
I know everything and you’re wondering why,
I don’t start a club to teach every single guy.
But once I teach ‘em then they won’t need me anymore,
and then goes all of my money out of that door,
and all of my fame will go with it too,
and I’m smarter than to give all this (gestures) to you.

CHORUS

V2
Sure a nerd knows math science and history,
but its social life is more than just lacking,
and for you people who aren’t nerds you really have no choice-
but to open up your mouth and use your small minded voice.
So you can call me 4 eyes - I don’t really care,
b/c your voice sounds dumb and you don’t have blonde hair... Huh?
your grammer sucks and I’m dumbing down mine - 
so you follow every word I say this time...

CHORUS (Drastically slower)
CHORUS OUT ck here to edit. 


Sometimes I wonder what was going on in my head when I wrote these lyrics.  Did I think I was some sort of cool college kid who has out smarted the world with my wit? Clearly, no one was offended and most of the jokes were written "to sophisticated" for the people I was making fun of.  Its a good thing that this version is in my past but it is still funny to look back on who I once was.

Humor is simple, Life is complicated.
-Cynical Sugar

Recently, I was the center of attention of a blog post for a video that I posted on youtube.  I will never say that I am a victim of cyber bullying because the word victim according to Merriam Webster’s website states that a victim is

“1.  a living being sacrificed to a deity or in the performance of a religious rite.  There was no part of my faith associated with my silly parody and yes I removed the video from my youtube but that is because people were judging my appearance and not my comedy or listening to the song.  A lot of comedians get pissed when you say the punch line before they can deliver it, and I am made because half of those shithead comments stole my set.  I’m the funny one that points out my luxurious curves that I refer to as personal clutz padding - imagine the broken bones if my fat didn’t cushion the fall.

2.  one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent.  Yes the blog had comments that said some “mean” things, but I can handle that shit, I’ve been fighting bullies since Kindergarten and those people had the guts to call me shit like “tub of lard-ren” to my face... although the blog had one comment that called me a “Guido black lover” and I was confused because how did they figure out I was Italian?   I’m one of the whitest girls and even I can’t tell my originality to take offense to that racism.  Although they are spot on, black men are some of the sexiest men in the world but then again so are gingers.  

3.  one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions; one that is tricked or duped.  If you can’t already tell I’m not broken or destroyed.  No one tricked me into posting the video so victim is the word I call myself and I do not the exact word to describe the situation but none of the definitions line up.

One of the reasons that inspired this pos,t is to explain to my close friends and family that I am strong enough to handle the industry I’m entering.  People may hate me, some may love me.  I am a risk taker but for every risk I’ve taken I’ve come out ahead or winning.  Its mainly because my mantra is that failure only exists when you stop trying.  So I will never fail because I will never stop trying.

Idiots keep telling me its hard to be a female comedian and those statements are fuel for me to make you pee your pants in laughter.  The fact that I am a woman, does not mean I’m not funny - telling a shitty joke that’s why someone is not funny.  So tell your friends telling crappy pun jokes to stop, because they bring more groans and tears than laughter.  There are plenty of women and men that I aspire to.  Each comedian has a trait that I desire to imitate in my act.  

The CTA Song - a Parody of The Lumineer's "Ho Hey"

 
Some of my favorite comedians include Adam Sandler, Jimmy Fallon, Rosanne Barr, Ellen Degeneres, Steve Martin, Conan O’Brien, Kristen Wig, Aziz Ansari, Stephen Lynch, Tina Fey, Zach Galifianakis, Sarah Silverman, Jay Leno, Michelle McCarthy, Demetri Martin, Seth Meyers, The Lonely Island and all of my favorite Chicago comedians who are my mentors and friends.  There are so many more comedians that I love and many musical comedic acts that I respect and thoroughly enjoy.

You can call me fat and state other facts about me but I can’t really work with that... you are just wasting your breath.   Tell me I’m not funny, now that is something I can work with.  Like every admature comedian, I am still finding my voice and learning what is “truly” funny.  I have always been a comedy lover.  At 10, I remember sneaking downstairs to watch SNL.  When normal kids were dreaming about becoming a ballerina or police officer, I was dreaming that one day I could bring as much joy to people as these comedians brought me every saturday.  But that little girl was a fan, and I have been a serious writer-comedian-musician for only 2 years and maybe I’m talented but funny? Now, that I am still working on.  

I hope that if you are reading this you can show people that who YOU are is defined by YOU and what YOU do.  Cyber bullies need a screen to hide behind because they are insecure and lack true emotion to confront their own personal problem.  Yes I removed the video from my youtube and sometimes I regret that, but I still have the audio so give a listen to the soundcloud link above.

-Cynical Sugar

Some people love kids... we call those people parents in denial or deaf.  I am cool with kids but I have to admit when I was a kid I was pretty stupid.  I never lie so you know this is a true story.  When I was in first grade I was convinced that if I’d break my crayons in half I’d have twice as many crayons.  By laws of physics and counting, this is true.  My 10 crayons became 20.  However, I STILL only had 10 colors AND now I had midget crayons.  That’s not even the worst part; your mom will replace your CRAYOLA with ROSEART the worst crayons ever fucking made.

I still have resentment toward my first grade friend Joe.

-cynical sugar

The day my world changed was the day I watched the movie Gremlins.  I used to love those little alien-crazy-ugly dolls (Furbies) and after I saw that movie those dolls were tainted forever.  I feel that my aunt had a similar experience with a different childhood toy “blinking dolls.”  These are any dolls that close their eyes when you lay them down.  I am completely making all of this up when I say that my aunt has horrid nightmares dreaming of the attacks of little suzy sawing her into a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle after watching the movie Chuckie.  Dolls are awesome until their potential is unleashed and the world as we know it ends.  Consider this a warning, when I say oh you like furbies? Do NOT watch Gremlins... Don’t do it because this is the only time I will care enough to keep your naive soul pure.

Smoking the pixie stick hard today.
-cynical sugar