Today salutes the Irish, green beer and their drunken whiskey thoughts. I am not one bit Irish and growing up in a Catholic school this was NOT cool. But then again, that was not the only reason why I was not cool. I knew how to read - not cool. I did not sleep or make out with the local 8th grader - not cool. Oh, but I did blow one thing... my trumpet - not cool. However, this day, March 17th, always bums me out. The nationality I recognize with most is Italian, and what do we have? St. Joseph’s day? (for those of you who do not know, the date of St. Joseph’s Day is March 19th, two days after the biggest party of the spring... And the Irish are still blacked out from St. Patrick’s Day to even remember that day.) A few things I hate about St. Patrick’s Day include THE PINCHING! In the “cool” Catholic School I attended, we wore school uniforms of blue and red. If you are color blind... this is not the color you wear on March 17th - Green. Also, I felt that it was unnecessary for me to buy green shit, just to prevent physical abuse. Long story short I was pinched miserably for 9 years. Another thing I hate about St. Patrick’s Day, is KISS ME I’M IRISH! We get it. You are a slut. But what insecurities do the Irish have that make it ok for anyone and everyone to kiss them? Thank god I’m Italian and the herpes infested cold sore mouths stay away from me! The last and final thing I hate about St. Patrick’s Day, is all the CORNED BEEF & CABBAGE. For starters, it is gross and the bi-product from either hole of my Irish friend is a stench that cannot be tamed by mint or febreeze. All in all, I am glad that I am Italian and our national food is spaghetti because then I do not have to eat that shit. To my Irish friends - call me when you need a ride or someone to hold back your hair. To everyone else - remember it only lasts for 24 hours.